Introduction
Bad things happen to everyone. They can make you feel sad and
worried, angry and stressed. Life often becomes tough for a while,
but learning how to cope is an important skill we all need to have.
If life was always perfect then we’d never develop coping skills or
learn what makes us feel better. So dealing with one problem can
help us learn how to manage other problems as they crop up, as we
then know what works for us.
Having a friend to talk to, having an interest which can
distract us from our worries, chilling out by listening to
music or surfing the net can all be ways of coping. What do you do
when things are tough?
Resilience is a word that describes
what someone has who copes well when bad things happen to them.
This leaflet is really about resilience; how you can find ways to
cope better with difficult situations.
What are 'bad' things?
There are lots of things that can make life tough, often things
that are not in your control. Usually, the difficulty will involve
your family, friends, your neighbourhood or school, as these are
the people and places that have the most effect on you as you grow
older. Below is a list of the sorts of problems we're talking
about:
- having an ill parent
- parents who fight and argue a lot
- losing a parent
- parents divorcing
- parents who drink a lot of alcohol or take street drugs
- parents who are in trouble with the police
- friends who are in trouble with the police
- friends who take street drugs
- your family trying to manage without enough money
- being exposed to violent behaviour
- living in an area where you don't feel safe
- living away from your parents e.g. in foster care or a
children's home
- being bullied
- being physically or sexually abused
Several of these problems can happen together, which
understandably makes it more difficult to cope.
There are some things specific to you that will affect how you
manage in these situations. These are not things you can change,
but they may explain why you might find your situation more
difficult than your brother or sister does. For example, you may
have an illness yourself, such as asthma or diabetes, which is an
added stress; or you may tend to be a "worrier" rather than someone
who is more "easy going". Neither is better overall, but being more
of a worrier may mean you feel more affected by things that happen
in your life.
How can I make things easier for myself?
We can see that the things that make life difficult are often
completely out of your control. But there are things you can do to
make them have less of an effect on you. This doesn't mean managing
things on your own, but it may sometimes mean asking for help
outside your family. You could start by confiding in friends you
trust, but if that doesn't work you could:
- spend more time doing something you enjoy and are good at. This
may be something you do at school, for example, your favourite
subject, or it may be a sport such as football, swimming, or
dancing, or another activity like music.
- use a grown up outside the close family, such as a teacher, a
youth worker, a grandparent or a social worker for support. If you
can't think of anyone, your school or local area may provide a
mentor.
- encourage your family to keep doing the things that make you
have a happy time together, even if you are all struggling through
a difficult situation. This will help you to feel closer and warmer
to each other.
- think about joining an after-school activity club in your
neighbourhood – this will let you have fun safely, and may give you
time away from stresses at home or with friends. You may also make
different friends who may be more supportive.
What if this isn't enough?
If you try these ways of helping yourself and you still don't
feel any better, or your situation doesn't improve, it may be that
it's just too much for you to manage on your own. Or, it could be
that your difficulties are so stressful that they have triggered an
illness like depression or anxiety.
Who can I turn to for help?
Coping with the problems we have mentioned is not easy. It is in
no way a sign of weakness if you feel you can't manage on your own;
it is more a sign of strength that you know when to ask for
help.
The best people to ask for help will be other adults you know.
This could mean:
- your teacher
- your Head of Year
- your school nurse
- a school counsellor or youth worker
- a family member
- a family friend
The adult you confide in will think through your situation with
you and will think about whether other people might be able to
help. This might mean help for you, help for your parents, or for
the whole family. The people who may become involved include:
- your family doctor or practice nurse
- a local counselling service
- your local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) –
a team of professionals specially trained to work with young
people
- a family social worker
These people work in different ways to each other, but all will
aim to support you and improve the situation for you and your
family.
Helpful resources
The Royal College of Psychiatrists has leaflets
in their
Mental Health and Growing Up series, written especially
for young people. Helpful leaflets to read alongside this one
are:
Further help:
Childline
Provides a free and confidential telephone service for
children.
Helpline (24hrs): 0800 1111.
Young Minds Parents
Helpline
for any adult concerned about the emotions and behaviour of a
child or young person. They offer information and professional
advice, via telephone and email - contact 0800 018 2138 or parents@youngminds.org.uk
The
Samaritans
Offer confidential emotional support to anyone in a crisis.
Helplines (24hrs): 08457 909090 (UK), and 1850 609090
(ROI); email: jo@samaritans.org
Connexions-direct
Provides information on a wide variety of topics specifically
for young people aged 13-19 yrs. It offers confidential advice and
practical support.
Helpline (available 8am-2am every day) 080 800 13 2 19
www.teenagehealthfreak.org
Provide web-based, accurate and reliable health information in a
contemporary, cringe-free, entertaining and informative way.
www.rethink.org
Provides plenty of useful information about mental illness and
how it can affect your life.
References
Goodman, R. & Scott, S. (2005) 'Child Psychiatry'
(2nd edn). London: Blackwell.
Rutter, M. & Taylor, E. (eds) (2002) 'Child and
Adolescent Psychiatry' (4th edn). London: Blackwell.
This leaflet was produced by the Royal College of
Psychiatrists' Children's Emotional Well-being Group.
Author: Dr Mona Freeman
Produced: February 2007
© [2007] Revised March 2009.
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