Good Parenting: information for parents, carers and anyone who
works with young people
Reading about Self-Help:
About this factsheet
This is one in a series of factsheets for parents, teachers
and young people entitled Mental Health and Growing Up.
The aims of these factsheets are to provide practical, up-to-date
information about mental health problems (emotional, behavioural
and psychiatric disorders) that can affect children and young
people. This factsheet looks at the reasons behind why it is
important to use good parenting skills from an early age. It also
gives practical tips on some of the best ways to discipline a
child, while maintaining a happy, healthy relationship with
them.
Introduction
Parenting is an important part of loving and caring for your
child. Good parenting is about providing a warm, secure home life,
helping your child to learn the rules of life (e.g. how to share,
respecting others, etc.) and to develop good self-esteem. You may
have to stop them from doing things they shouldn't be doing, but it
is just as important to encourage them to do the things you do want
them to do.
Why is parenting important?
Rules are an important part of everyday life. They make it
possible for us to get along with one another. If children do not
learn how to behave, they will find it difficult to get on, both
with grown-ups and with other children. They will find it hard to
learn at school, will misbehave and will probably become unhappy
and frustrated.
What helps?
It is important to make sure that children feel secure, loved
and valued, and to notice when they are behaving well. The trick to
this is to find strategies that work well for you and your child.
Here are some ideas:
Be consistent
If you don't stick to the rules your child will learn that if
they ignore them, you will probably give in.
Give lots of praise
Let your children know when they have done something well and
when you are pleased with them. For example, give them a hug, give
them a kiss and tell them how great they are. You need to do this
straight away.
Planning ahead
It helps if you and your child know the rules for particular
situations before they happen. Don't make them up as you go along
(e.g. if bedtime is 7.00 p.m., make sure you both stick to
it).
Involve your child
Sit down with your child and talk to them about good
behaviour. You might be surprised about how much you both agree
on.
Be calm
This can be difficult in the heat of the moment, but it does
help. Be calm and clear with your commands, for example `please
switch off the TV' or `it's bedtime'.
Be clear with your child
For example `please put your toys away' tells children exactly
what you expect them to do. Simply telling them to `be good' does
not. If your child can't understand you, they can't obey you. Keep
it short and simple.
Be realistic
It's no good promising a wonderful reward or dreadful
punishment if you are not going to see it through. It is much
better to offer small rewards rather than punishments.
For example `when you have tidied your room, you can have an
ice cream'. Don't expect miracles. If your child has only partly
tidied their room, praise them for having started.
The importance of your
relationship
When times are difficult, it is easy to forget that you can
actually have nice times together. Everybody can end up feeling
angry and upset. So you need to plan to have good times together.
For example, you could play a game, read or cook with them for 10
minutes every day.
How can it go wrong?
Your own experience of childhood is very important. If you
were punished a lot, you may find yourself doing the same with your
own children. Or you may be the opposite and find it hard to be as
clear as you need to be.
If parents disagree about rules, their children may get mixed
up because they don't know whose rules they should be obeying. They
may just learn that if they can't get something from one parent,
all they need to do is go to the other.
Parenting takes energy! It's easy to let things slip if you
are depressed, tired, very busy or don't have any help with your
children. Without rules, children can simply get in to the habit of
behaving badly.
Where can I get help?
Talking problems over with other parents or friends is often
useful. Talk to your child's teachers, as there may be a similar
problem at school. It will help your child if you and the teachers
can work together to agree on how to tackle the problem. Changing a
child's behaviour is a slow, hard job, but it can be done.
You can ask your health visitor, school nurse or general
practitioner for advice. If more specialist help is needed, they
will be able to refer your child to the local child and adolescent
mental health service. Specialists can help to find out what is
causing the problem and also suggest practical ways of
helping.
References
- Carr, A. (ed.) (2000) What Works with Children and
Adolescents? A Critical Review of Psychological Interventions with
Children, Adolescents and their Families. London:
Brunner-Routledge.
- Rutter, M. & Taylor, E. (eds) (2002) Child and
Adolescent Psychiatry (4th edn). London: Blackwell.
- Scott, A., Shaw, M. & Joughin, C. (2001) Finding the
Evidence: A Gateway to the Literature in Child and Adolescent
Mental Health (2nd edn). London: Gaskell.
- Webster Stratton, C. (1992) The Incredible Years: A
Troubleshooting Guide for Parents of Children Aged 3_8.
London: Umbrella Press. Out of print
Sources of further information
© [2004]
Royal College of Psychiatrists. This factsheet may be downloaded,
printed out, photocopied and distributed free of charge as long as
the Royal College of Psychiatrists is properly credited and no
profit is gained from its use. Permission to reproduce it in any
other way must be obtained from the Head of Publications. The College
does not allow reposting of its factsheets on other sites, but
allows them to be linked to directly.
Please note that we are unable to offer advice on individual cases. Please see our FAQ for advice on getting help.
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